I was reading someones blog yesterday about the passing away of her grandfather. It made me cry, and cry, and cry some more. I came to a huge realization, I never mourned the passing of my grandmother and it hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday.
Note: It's up to you to continue reading or not, but I have to post to get this off my chest, and yes, it is sad.
My grandmother was the center of my life for a very very long time. My mother passed away when I was 5 years old of Leukemia on Halloween day. My grandmother had been my "mother" my whole life. Yes, my dad remarried, and yes, it was a traditional Cinderella story. We didn't get along other and there was abuse. I survived because I always had my grandmother. Even when we lived on separate coasts she flew me out to CA every summer for 5 years. We talked all the time and always wrote a ton of letters. I could tell my grandma everything and anything. She never judged me or my thoughts.
My children were my grandmothers only great grandchildren. My grandmother was at the birth of my daughter 2 1/2 years ago. I will never forget that. She was so sick already, but she never left my side for almost 3 days while I was having complications with the pregnancy and was being induced. She was the first one to see my daughter, she stood next to the baby warmer as the nurse cleaned her up, and she was the first one to hold her. She went home that day and proceeded to sleep for almost three days. She was exhausted. I will never forget that she told me that I had made her the happiest she had been in years and that it was the highest honor to be at the birth. I told her I was the one that was honored!
My grandmother 8/4/2007 & my daughter
She's the first one to hold my daughter
My grandmother adored my children. She was happy when my son was born because she had one son, and 2 daughters. Each of them only had girls for children. (6 grand-daughters) My son was her first "boy" grand/great-grandson. Then, when I told her at Christmas in 2006 that I was pregnant again, she said it better be a girl this time. And it was. She was happy.
This is my grandmother & daughter the day after we got out of the hospital
My grandmother had been sick for some time but her (stupid) Dr's (and I say this lightly so I don't get in any sort of trouble) never "figured out" what was wrong with her until it was too late. Her cancer had spread too far and was not curable. We found out that she had several types of cancer, but the one that would kill her would be her liver, and her stomach cancer would be the one to cause the most pain. We got the news in January of 2008. My grandmother passed March 5, 2008. (sadly also my grandfathers birthday).
On the Sunday, a week before my "mother" passed away, my daughter and I had been visiting her. She wasn't able to do much, but she was happy, coherent and mobile. I said I love her and went home that night. Monday my grandfather called me and said hospice said she took a turn for the worse, and that grandma said over and over she was going to die soon. I left work, where thankfully I had a very understanding boss & I only worked 10 minutes away, and headed over there. She was in pain, lots of it. She was refusing to take her medications because she said her brother (he passed away of drowning when they were kids) said its her time to go and that all her family was there to take her with them. At that point, I knew we had to do what ever she wanted. She withered in pain for almost 6 days. I had to be her caretaker because no one else understood why she was doing what she was doing. She was fighting everyone, didn't want any more of her meds, and just wanted to be left to die. I knew it had to be hard for her children, (her sons wife is a nurse and was very helpful and supportive through all this) and I decided I was going to do what I could to make her comfortable and just be there for her the best I could.
On the night she passed away my grandfather had called to tell me my aunt, the nurse was there and it wasn't going to be long. I immediately got in my truck and drove as fast as I could to get over there. Up until this point I had told everyone that after all I had been through with her I didn't want to be there when the time actually came. When I got the call, I changed my mind. When I got there, my mother was laying in bed staring at the ceiling gasping for breath. My aunt was watching over her. I asked her to leave the room, and I have the last one sided conversation with my grandmother. I told her that her whole family was there, that it was ok for her to go, and that we didn't want her to be in any more pain. My aunt came back into the room, we stood over her, and as she took her last breath my two other cousins came in. My aunt was taking her pulse in the neck and I on her wrist. We both looked at each other, and with her last heart beat, we cried. My aunt went out to tell the rest of the family and make the appropriate phone calls, however I still wasn't able to leave her side. I stayed there until the mortuary got there to take her away. Not even my grandfather could go in there with them.
Before they took her away, I removed the last item on my mother, her watch, and to this day I have it. No one else will get it, no one knows I have it, but my grandmother never took that or her cross necklace off, EVER. I have both, because my grandfather felt that I would cherish them the most, and they are both put away for safe keeping for my children.
There are many more visions of that night and my grandmother that I remember, that I don't want to remember, and I pray that no one else would ever have to see what I saw that night. I have dreams and I have nightmares of that night.
The very next day my grandfather had us clean out her room, get rid of her stuff, and that be done. It was hard, but we did it for him.
I have come to the realization that I never really cried for her, for the loss of my "mother". I think at the time, that in my mind, we had known for so long that I felt like I should already be "over it" and just get back to daily grind of life, and that's what I did for over a year, until Yesterday.
Screw that, I am human, and I deserve to feel the pain and sorrow of losing my support, half my heart and soul. I deserve to be able to cry, to look at my children and think about what could have been. Life is so hard without her here to talk to, to support me.
Right now I am thinking about having another child. I would love to be able to call her and say "mom what do you think about that, how does that make you feel, and do you think I should" but can't and it KILLS me.
My children will not get to know any of their "grand" mothers (my mom passed when I was 5, my husbands mother passed away suddenly when I was 2 months pregnant, & my grandmother) and I feel so bad for them. They will never get the joy of having that person there for them. My son is already losing memories of grandma, he just remembers her. I have pictures, a ton of pictures to share with them when they get older and you can be sure they will know all the details of all their "grand" mothers, because to us, that's what they were, GRAND!
My son, grandmother & grandfather on my sons 8th birthday 11/2007
My daughter & grandma 11/2007
My grandmothers favorite holiday was Christmas. This was her bringing out all her singing toys and showing my daughter. My daughter fell in love with this one,and yes, it went home with us that day.
My daughter and grandmother on Christmas day 2007
My daughters last visit to her great grandmother
Mom, I miss you so damn much!